Wednesday, October 8, 2014


Seasons are something we can look forward to because in the chilly rain of spring we can't wait for summer and in the heat of summer we're ready for fall (winter is not a season I anticipate with great expectation so we'll just skip over it). Seasons are generally able to marked on a calendar so we know what to expect and approximately when to expect them.

But, and you knew there was going to be a but, seasons in life are not quite that easily identifiable.  Seasons in life aren't marked on a calendar and you can't really know when they're going to change, for the better or for the worse.  Seasons in life can either sneak up on your or hit you like a ton of bricks and all you can do is tread water until the next season comes...who knows when exactly.

Well this season that I'm in kind of snuck up on me in the April/May range and I was hoping since the US calendar has changed from Spring to Summer to Fall that maybe my season would change too but since I'm living in Nicaragua and April/May is about the start of rainy season, it's been pouring (hypothetically of course because Nicaragua is in a weird drought that postponed the start of rainy season...bla bla bla).  This season has been trying on my heart, filled with heartbreak, unmet expectations, technological/mechanical frustrations and who knows what else.  The weird thing about this season is that it hasn't been ONE BIG HEAVY THING, instead it's more like lots of little things that keep knocking me as I think I'm about to stand back up.  Last week I saw a glimpse of a lesson that I've been learning in this time and had hopes of it being the light at the end of the tunnel but now it seems like it could be a light in the tunnel to keep me moving forward in this season.

Through a series of sermons, Bible studies, conversations and life I've realized I am a person who loves:: black&white, right&wrong, rules and order.  On the outside I may appear easy going and up for anything, and to a high degree that's true but deep down I long for structure.  Living in a place like Nicaragua has brought this to light.  There are little to no rules in this country, especially when it comes to driving.  I like this when it benefits me and it sends me into a tizzy when it doesn't go my way.  If we could all just follow the rules, my life would make more sense.  The things that go quickly here, I expect to take forever; the things I expect to be one and done, take s o  l o n g. Nothing fits into a box.  Nothing is black or white.  It's all covered in a shade of grey.

The lesson: grace. The grey between stark black and brilliant white. The wiggle room.  The place I haven't quite figured out yet and may never fully grasp and that's ok.  I'm learning to let myself wiggle and hoping that I won't fall down.  I'm learning about this freedom.  I'm learning I don't have to have it all together and I'll never have it all together and that's ok.  I'm learning that I am not enough and Jesus is all I've got and that's the best news there is.  I'm learning and if there's anything I've gotten from my first year in Nica it's just that, I've got a lot to learn.

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